Paramount studio executives:
"Okay Tom, here's the deal. We'll agree to make TG3 on the condition that we have script control. We've already commissioned it. Maverick has to do an air strike on a fictional religious cult called Science-ology. We haven't worked out the details but it's something about an old sci-fi writer and goofy aliens. They also have an evil movie-star leader played by Matt Lauer."
You might have something here. Mav gets tractor beamed by real aliens who were coming to pick up their Earthly followers, played by Disney's Immortals. The Avengers roll in but the new Alt-Avengers counterstrike to protect the Immortals from "Earthphobes" (someone who thinks anyone invading their airspace and tractorbeaming their airforce must be bad).
In the end, Goldbloom figures out their ancient language using a device similar to a geyger counter with a huge dial. Something he found in the cult hideout alongside Indy's hat. He provides instructions to a recently pod grown replicant jet pilot (due to seriously low recruitment numbers) who looks and acts suspiciously like Randy Quaid, who swiftly takes things into his own hands and "PUTS ONE UP THEIR TAILPIPE".
During the following national celebration, the President laments the loss of the Alt-Avengers and confirms that all documents on the island, and at the hideout were an utter loss, every document confirmed destroyed, but praises the swift thinking of the new pod grown pilots. He then introduces these pilots, on stage, and they don't look like Randy Quaid but instead like Tom Cruise.
Yelling is heard off stage and as the crowd parts to expose the heckler, it is Mav. He yells "It was a tractor beam, man. I didn't die. It was a tractor beam." He is swiftly arrested and exposed in the media as a traitorous podphobe.
